Google Pays Three Employees Less Than Minimum Wage

Shocking abuses at Googleplex rumored to finance burgeoning anti-spam division

Ongoing abuse discovered by LA Times

While the U.S. Minimum wage is $5.15, California has an even higher standard of $6.75 an hour, but the LA Times has revealed that Google has had three employees “volunteer” to take a drastic salary cut that amounts to less than 2 cents a week. That is not a misprint. These employees are paid $1 a year in salary. Not only that – they are forced to work long hours under what can only be described as prison wages – even their food is provided for them by the company like in prison. I personally witnessed two of these employees working at 2 am on a hot summer night as I reported last year.

This means if they come in at 8 am – and leave at 2 am every night – they are working 18 hour days. Even assuming they are allowed off two days a week, then this means they are working 90 hours a week and 4680 hours a year. This works out to a salary of less than – geeze – it is in scientific notation 2.1367521367521367521367521367521e-4 dollars an hour.

Rumor: Salary Cuts used to Fund Cutts Empire

In the early years Google used very little counter measures in attempting to oust sites from its sites for TOS violations. Google worked pretty well relying on PageRank alone in combating this. Matt Cutts is "head of the Webspam group at Google". In a devious plan to gain control over Google, Matt used both pornography and food to bribe overworked employees at Google. In the book - How to do Everything with Google - Matt admits to having his wife make cookies and bringing them into work and asking for "volunteers" to try and find porn in Google Safe Search, "anyone who did would get a cookie as a reward".

You probably think I am making this up. You can click on that link to Amazon and search inside the book at amazon.com - it is on page 164. Anyone who has studied psychology knows this is Pavlovian conditioning . I am told these cookies were very delicious. Many of these Google employees are young and impressionable. Soon he had an army of employees that would do anything for these cookies and the porn that many had never seen before. Have you ever seen a Google employee - they are always smiling - now you know why - except for those poor three that are forced to work below minimum wage to support all this.

After two and a half year of working at Google, Matt’s power and influence at Google had grown to the point that he was able to start assembling an aggressive strategy in combating what he viewed as “SPAM”. This division has been codenamed “Death Star”. Everyone knows that Google’s computers for running google.com are distributed around the world at various data centers. However Cutts demands that the computers used for the “Death Star” divison are kept on site. His demands have forced Google to move from their relative new and swank Googleplex to a new facility with a secret underground bunker that is rumored to be able to survive a nuclear explosion – so that Google can still combat spam in the event of a terrorist attack.

http://arstechnica.com/news.ars/post/20050929-5365.html

“In the new Mountain View facility, Google staff will be able to access NASA scientists and supercomputing technology, along with the agency’s space data and images. Of course, Google’s already registered domains for the entire solar system and beyond.”

In the same article they try to hide these motives with stuff like this quote from Google CEO, Eric Schmidt:

"Imagine having a wide selection of images from the Apollo space mission at your fingertips whenever you want it. That’s just one small example of how this collaboration could help broaden technology’s role in making the world a better place."

Ever heard of email attachments? Does anyone buy this?

Matt Cutts True Goals Revealed for the First Time
Picture: Committed copyright violation by stealing this from Matt’s blog - however I thumbnailed it so hopefully he won’t ban me

I am able to reveal here for the first time that Matt’s true goal is obvious. Over the years many have noticed Matt has gotten into much better physical shape.

Those of you who have thought this was for health reasons are wrong. This is because Matt’s secret goal is to replace Mandy Patinkin in the upcoming second installment of the Princess Bride Trilogy:

Princess Bride 2: Buttercup’s Baby

Since moving from Kentucky rumors are that he befriended the same Mandy Patinkin and used his connections in the Intelligence community and California to get him a job as Special Agent Jason Gideon on the CBS show “Criminal Minds”.

In the early days of their friendship Matt fed Mandy Patinkin so many of his wife’s cookies mentioned above that Mandy developed high cholesterol and became a spokesperson for Crestor - a popular cholesterol lowering drug.

Matt’s Force FX Lightsaber Confiscated by Sergey Brin

Rumors persist that one night late in the Googleplex Sergey found Matt in a Sprite induce sugar high with his Force FX Lightsaber alone in his office shouting, "HELLO, MY NAME IS INIGO MONTOYA, YOU SPAMMED MY ENGINE, PREPARE TO DIE." Apparently the sword fighting display was actually quite beautiful and brought a tear to Sergey’s eye. Matt has studied fencing since he was 11 (picture of what could be Matt fencing) and his skills clearly worried Sergey as he did not want to lose such a valued member to what he feared at the time was Olympic class abilities that could place him on the US Olympic team. However, Matt confided his real goal and that night they worked on a plan of succession to keep Google’s spam fighting abilities in place should he ever leave.

Order of Succession for Spam Czar

The actual plan is appparently a well guarded secret, but from what I have been able to gather it involves a complex scheme using parts of the plans to protect the formula of Coca-Cola, The Post 9/11 Secret Government Plan, Mount Weather (Matt is rumored to have a Mount Weather ID Card issued by FEMA which is given to the about 7,000 government and other workers in order to continue life and infrastructure in the US in the event of Nuclear or other disaster), and in true Google Geek Fashion - the Master/Apprentice training program between Jedi and Padawan or some would say Sith Lord and Apprentice.

Matt’s Possible New Apprentice
Picture: Aaron seen here with the world’s leading expert on 301 redirecte Dave N (whose site I stole the picture from)

If you have watched the Star Wars movies you know the way it works - a Jedi has one - and only one apprentice. Same with sith lords. As Yoda said, "Always two there are, a master and an apprentice." I noticed in SES New York Matt (who has almost from the get go been the person giving presentations for Google at SES and WebmasterWorld functions) was in the room quietly observing in the back another Google employee speaking.

Aaron D’Souza was there at the link session from Google and that is the session I found Matt observing. I have talked with Aaron at several conventions and he is a very nice guy, but I don’t think he would be allowed to admit if this was true. Notice there is no bio for him on that page. Also, Vanessa Fox was at SES with Matt as well at a lunch with the Google Engineers. There is no bio for her either, but I notice she apparently does a lot of work on Google Sitemaps so either that is a cover or she is not the apprentice. Also noticable at the same session Aaron was speaking was Tim Mayer was not there. However, since Tim Mayer had a baby (or rather I guess his wife did), and he works for Yahoo that is a pretty good excuse and I am not sure what that has to do with this other than to say congratulations.

Posted by Chris on Saturday, April 1st, 2006 at 4:09 pm.